4.27.2009

Fat vs. Ugly

Not since Alien vs. Predator has the world seen two such monstrous (who knew that word didn’t have an ‘e’ in it?) opponents.

In The Big City, Old & Ugly are notorious deal breakers, even if you do happen to all the tricks: (view full size)



But here’s the thing that I discovered this weekend: although ugly can be hidden by a dark bar and a decent martini, my size is unmistakable. Dim those lights and that pear-shaped silhouette is all the more noticeable. Stay at the bar long enough for some drunken hands to come wandering your way and what’s the first thing they feel? My burgeoning baby belly.

After months of fierce competition, Ugly surrendered to Fat and they decided to join forces in the form of the perfect weapon: the stretch mark. At 41, that shit ain’t never snapping back into place again. I lose.

4.18.2009

Not Everything On the Internet Is True.

The contentious matter of when to tell my date about my pregnancy is a non-issue. There will be no second date.

I'm not sure if y'all knew this, but it turns out that everything on the internet is not necessarily as represented. For example, my date was none of the following things that were professed/implied:
  • smart
  • funny
  • confident
  • affluent
As soon as I this became apparent, I turned off the charm and walked away. I went home straight away (no pun intended) and asked my GBF (Gay Best Friend) to marry me, since she possess all of the qualities listed herein. However, her princess-like desire for a 6 carat ring from Tiffany's probably rules that out. I prefer a woman who likes the trigger of a power tool around her finger.

4.12.2009

Hypocritical Liar

I have a date on Tuesday night. To tell or not to tell? That is the question.

Turns out that when you take a poll, people have very strong feelings about whether it is necessary to confess that you are, essentially, bringing a third human along for the ride. Some think you should tell before the first date. Others at the end. Still others believe it is not necessary to tell until "the sex date." What do you think?

Really, I haven't even told some of my best friends that I am pregnant. Why should I tell this veritable stranger?

The bigger ethical question is: How should I update my online dating profile to reflect the nuances of this situation? If I characterize myself as "honest," and I don't tell about the baby, then I am a liar. If I write that I am liar, and then I do tell about the baby, I am a hypocrite.

4.05.2009

This whole thing.

This whole pregnancy thing isn’t shaping up to be quite the bag of tricks it was cracked up to be. In addition to 9 months of uninterrupted PMS, I am now unable to enjoy even the slightest reward from this misery.

Going in for your kid’s ultrasounds is supposed to be the hallelujah moment of all of this. Instead, my kid’s picture looks like one of those images you see on Dateline of the pro-lifer’s parading around with pictures of unborn fetuses on their sticks. I can’t even look at it without wanting to chant “Hey, hey -- Mister, mister, Get your hands -- off my Sister!”

And that whole hearing the heart beat thing was downright spooky. Though I’m sure if my kid’s father is actually Darth Vader, he’ll be very proud.

4.03.2009

Metallergy

Zippers have always been my favorite clothing feature. In addition to the obvious allowance for easy access, zippers have a certain confidence to them. Buttons say “I’m not sure,” but zippers… they know.

I would say that 1 out of every 5 items in my closet contains a zipper. Pants excluded, its still 1 in 7.

The problem is, thanks to my new nose like a bloodhound, I can’t stand the smell of them anymore. No longer can I zip up my cozy knit without thinking, “who just waved a stack of pennies under my nose?”

I already can’t wear 1/7th of my clothes anymore and it has nothing to do with how fat I am (yet).

4.01.2009

Engorged

I went to my ob/gyn for the first time this week. After looking at my ultrasound (“Everything looks great!”), and debriefing me on just how very likely it is that my kid will be mentally or physically deformed thanks to my advanced maternal age (that line was not supposed to be funny), she proceeded to do a manual exam and press on my uterus.

“Oh, you’re VERY pregnant.”

Again with the very pregnant! What the hell does that mean?

“Your uterus is just nice and engorged.”

Is it just me, or should the word “engorged” never be used in that context? It does not belong next to my uterus. I could think of a neighboring body part that I would like to be engorged… or even some foreign body parts that I would like to have in my neighborhood IF engorged.

Uterus. Not on that list.