Been busy gettin' fat

As a purely humanitarian gesture, I'd like to see about giving away my boobs. Really. Now I know why they call them boobs. They are stupid.

I have always had a fairly contentious relationship with my bosoms. On a normal day, they are a healthy cup size A, which is more than enough for me. During times of high water retention when they get a bit enlarged, I've even been known to "flick" them in angst. You know the move: index finger on thumb, release, ricochet... flick. No one ever seems to approve of this move except for me. Yet I stand my ground.

Now I don't even see the point of the flick. Now I'd have to take a baseball bat to them in order to get my point across: you are too freakin' big.

So many women seem to fancy these amorphous blobs of flesh protruding from their chests... enough to pay the price of seven trips to Vegas to see them get bigger. Why can't I offer up some kind of trade with these insane creatures? No need for silicone implants - you can just have my pregnancy boobs, the real deal, out of the goodness of my heart.

The damn baby can suck on a bottle for all I care. Just get these things off of me.