Pee Stick

Today I peed on a stick and found out that I am not pregnant. The feeling is somewhat like having an SUV roll onto my chest.

I start to think to myself “Maybe it hasn’t been two minutes.” So then I go look at a clock and start timing a new two minutes. As if it will be any different than the old two minutes.

It isn’t.

I read the package. I wonder if I’m part of the 13% of tests that could be wrong.

(I’m not.)

I go take a walk where I start to cry. But every month there is no time to cry, because I need to figure out what to do now. Which approach, which medicine, which bank account.

Before I can do that, I start thinking about all the people and things (work) in my life that irritate me. All the incompetence, all the shortcomings. It’s a crafty little trick that my brain has mastered.

I get worked up, and the SUV turns into an 18-wheeler.

All of that is easier than thinking about the truth.