On Tuesday I had to go in and take a ($200) blood test to make sure I was pregnant. The doctor's office looked totally different when I walked in: now, all the women in the waiting room were old but I was young and fertile. When they placed a cotton swab on the needle mark, I got a glimpse of my own blood. It was extra red.
I waited and I waited and I waited for the results while sitting and not listening in meetings all day.
Finally, the doctor called. "Well," he said, "you're very pregnant!" "What does 'very pregnant' mean?" I asked as I talked over his explanation which included the phrase "...worry about twins yet..."
For a day, I freaked out. My numbers for (insert random three letters acronym representing pregnancy related hormone that all sound alike) were very high. "Come back in 5 days for another test," he had told me. Five days? In five days I will have already stress-eaten my young with worry.
But after just one sleepless night, I realized that this was actually a great idea! I could have more babies than I could handle, and I would just ask for the generous help of the american public to support the children. Without even asking, I was sure that all baby-related product manufacturers would spontaneously send me free wares. Yes! This was genius. I can't believe someone else didn't think if it sooner. It was nearly a full-proof plan.
Prepared to assist with any refugee relief requests that might come up in my first trimester, I sat down with a home lip filler kit, and began to write my autobiography.
2.28.2009
2.23.2009
13%
So.
This weekend I did that crazy lady-who-wants-a-baby thing where I bought pregnancy test after pregnancy test and kept peeing on a stick over and over again until one said I was pregnant.
It did.
I believe that I just proved, conclusively, that you can will yourself into being pregnant. I know a lot of people pray about this kind of stuff. But I hadn't reached the point of desperation where I was ready to make a deal with the G-evil. I was able to conceive simply by taking multiple pregnancy tests, until I got the results that I wanted.
I plan to write a book on this subject, because I'm sure that there are many women out there who would like to know about this new, foolproof system. I could be rich. Which is good, because I'm going to need the money.
Because I'm gonna be a MILF.
This weekend I did that crazy lady-who-wants-a-baby thing where I bought pregnancy test after pregnancy test and kept peeing on a stick over and over again until one said I was pregnant.
It did.
I believe that I just proved, conclusively, that you can will yourself into being pregnant. I know a lot of people pray about this kind of stuff. But I hadn't reached the point of desperation where I was ready to make a deal with the G-evil. I was able to conceive simply by taking multiple pregnancy tests, until I got the results that I wanted.
I plan to write a book on this subject, because I'm sure that there are many women out there who would like to know about this new, foolproof system. I could be rich. Which is good, because I'm going to need the money.
Because I'm gonna be a MILF.
2.21.2009
Pee Stick
Today I peed on a stick and found out that I am not pregnant. The feeling is somewhat like having an SUV roll onto my chest.
I start to think to myself “Maybe it hasn’t been two minutes.” So then I go look at a clock and start timing a new two minutes. As if it will be any different than the old two minutes.
It isn’t.
I read the package. I wonder if I’m part of the 13% of tests that could be wrong.
(I’m not.)
I go take a walk where I start to cry. But every month there is no time to cry, because I need to figure out what to do now. Which approach, which medicine, which bank account.
Before I can do that, I start thinking about all the people and things (work) in my life that irritate me. All the incompetence, all the shortcomings. It’s a crafty little trick that my brain has mastered.
I get worked up, and the SUV turns into an 18-wheeler.
All of that is easier than thinking about the truth.
I start to think to myself “Maybe it hasn’t been two minutes.” So then I go look at a clock and start timing a new two minutes. As if it will be any different than the old two minutes.
It isn’t.
I read the package. I wonder if I’m part of the 13% of tests that could be wrong.
(I’m not.)
I go take a walk where I start to cry. But every month there is no time to cry, because I need to figure out what to do now. Which approach, which medicine, which bank account.
Before I can do that, I start thinking about all the people and things (work) in my life that irritate me. All the incompetence, all the shortcomings. It’s a crafty little trick that my brain has mastered.
I get worked up, and the SUV turns into an 18-wheeler.
All of that is easier than thinking about the truth.
2.12.2009
2.11.2009
Crazy Lady with Eight Babies
It must be said: Nadya Suleman is nuts.
Further nuts is Jeff Jacoby of the Boston Globe, likening this irresponsible incident to other “outlandish” things that have been “steadily normalized,” like gay marriage. Sit and spin, Jeff.
We’re not talking about a political issue, Jeff. It’s not the same as refusing to inseminate a lesbian on the grounds that it is against your (ignorant) belief system, Jeff. This isn’t about human rights, it’s about human health and well being. Jeff. Maybe, as you assert, courts would have ruled in favor of Crazy Bird eventually, anyway. But those doctors certainly should have done whatever they could to prevent this unsafe procedure.
People who are mentally ill are restricted from participating in many pockets of society. I wonder why motherhood isn’t one of them. It’s the life of a child that’s at stake. Or, in this case, the lives of 14 children.
Further nuts is Jeff Jacoby of the Boston Globe, likening this irresponsible incident to other “outlandish” things that have been “steadily normalized,” like gay marriage. Sit and spin, Jeff.
We’re not talking about a political issue, Jeff. It’s not the same as refusing to inseminate a lesbian on the grounds that it is against your (ignorant) belief system, Jeff. This isn’t about human rights, it’s about human health and well being. Jeff. Maybe, as you assert, courts would have ruled in favor of Crazy Bird eventually, anyway. But those doctors certainly should have done whatever they could to prevent this unsafe procedure.
People who are mentally ill are restricted from participating in many pockets of society. I wonder why motherhood isn’t one of them. It’s the life of a child that’s at stake. Or, in this case, the lives of 14 children.
2.10.2009
Industrial Ceiling Panel
I decided to name my child after the first thing I saw when getting knocked up. So she will be called “Industrial Ceiling Panel.”
If I was sitting a few inches to the left, she might have been called “Sky” (short for “Lighting Panel Fake Sky with Clouds”). A few inches to the right, and she could have been little “Smoke Detector.”
While waiting to be impregnated, I have gotten nervous and I feel a crap coming on. This is particularly bad, because, no matter what they tell you about how you can go about your normal day, you believe none of it. After they put $465 worth of fancy-pants spludge inside of you, what idiot is gonna go sit on the crapper and poop it out? No way!
I’m on my back. 50 million Super Sperm have just been released into my uterus, adding to the 50 million swimmers from yesterday. Now we wait to see if my eggs are any good.
I never thought I would care about such a thing. Good eggs. At the age of three, I became convinced that marriage was out for me, since based on the empirical evidence that I had gathered, it directly correlated with having to clean toilets. Then I moved to California and found out that most people don’t ever clean their own toilets, and it opened up a world of possibility for me. From Marriage-O-Phobic to MILF, in just 37 short years.
If I was sitting a few inches to the left, she might have been called “Sky” (short for “Lighting Panel Fake Sky with Clouds”). A few inches to the right, and she could have been little “Smoke Detector.”
While waiting to be impregnated, I have gotten nervous and I feel a crap coming on. This is particularly bad, because, no matter what they tell you about how you can go about your normal day, you believe none of it. After they put $465 worth of fancy-pants spludge inside of you, what idiot is gonna go sit on the crapper and poop it out? No way!
I’m on my back. 50 million Super Sperm have just been released into my uterus, adding to the 50 million swimmers from yesterday. Now we wait to see if my eggs are any good.
I never thought I would care about such a thing. Good eggs. At the age of three, I became convinced that marriage was out for me, since based on the empirical evidence that I had gathered, it directly correlated with having to clean toilets. Then I moved to California and found out that most people don’t ever clean their own toilets, and it opened up a world of possibility for me. From Marriage-O-Phobic to MILF, in just 37 short years.
2.09.2009
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
Posts
