Fat vs. Ugly

Not since Alien vs. Predator has the world seen two such monstrous (who knew that word didn’t have an ‘e’ in it?) opponents.

In The Big City, Old & Ugly are notorious deal breakers, even if you do happen to all the tricks: (view full size)



But here’s the thing that I discovered this weekend: although ugly can be hidden by a dark bar and a decent martini, my size is unmistakable. Dim those lights and that pear-shaped silhouette is all the more noticeable. Stay at the bar long enough for some drunken hands to come wandering your way and what’s the first thing they feel? My burgeoning baby belly.

After months of fierce competition, Ugly surrendered to Fat and they decided to join forces in the form of the perfect weapon: the stretch mark. At 41, that shit ain’t never snapping back into place again. I lose.