Too Sore to Score

Allow me to do the math for you with Obama-like rigor.

Now that my paramour has just dumped me because I am pregnant (NC), that means no sex for the next 8.5 months until MILF Jr. is born: you don’t want to have sex with someone new, pick up a disease, and have your kid come out with a herpes sore instead of a right eye. It’s just not worth it.

Right after MILF Jr. is born, the vag is gonna be too sore to score (unless I can convince them to just cut me open and take the alien out, Sigourney Weaver style). Call that six months, minimum.

Now we’re up to 15 months.

Even if the vag was ready, MILF Jr. will most likely still be screaming her head off for my attention for at least another six months, possibly as long as 18 years.

Then there will be a series of dates that I begin to embark on, around year one, where I deceive my suitor until my charm has a chance to take its hold. But my charm will be no match for the announcement that I have a screaming one year old at home.

So, again, no nookie. That goes on for about 3 dates, or, 3 months, since that’s the rate at which I can schedule dates with MILF Jr. around.

Now we’re at 2 years, and I’m 43. Even if I could get anyone to touch my puked on spit on veiny overstretched body with the boobies flapping in the wind with a ten foot pole, that pole would have to have current STD-free papers on the end of it. Since that’s sure to drive a javelin between me and most of humanity, the dry spell continues.

All M no IFL... foiled again.